Full of it

I have been getting all over my own ass about being a cantankerous wanker all the time. I compare myself to the me of my early twenties when I remember never suffering road rage, living the life credo, 'live and let live' and feeling kindly toward most of the people on the planet. The people who I didn't think kindly on, I refrained from thinking about much at all.

Nowadays, I feel that I obsess about all the things that I don't like in this world and that those things are everywhere. I feel like I know more than I want to, have memories that I want to give back and do not suffer fools gladly, if at all. My patience wears thin and I give myself a hard time about the influx of negative thoughts in my head. From there, it just spirals.

Apparently, all of this negativity is well contained in my head, because those closest to me just don't see the glut of the growly that I feel I emanate.

This perspective was brought to my attention today when Goat told me that I was full of love. I was taken aback when he first said it, but when I thought about the evening's conversation, it struck me that he was right.

Since arriving at his house just over four hours ago, I have gone into detail about how and why I love the following things. Mind you, this is no mere "oh, I love that" throw away line, but conversations about the whys and hows of my love for these things.

- The pot roast Goat made for dinner
- Drag Kings (especially Harry Dodge)
- The dessert Goat made (brownies)
- The B side of Steely Dan's "Gaucho"
- The A side of David Bowie's "Low"
- Last night's furniture rearranging
- Snorkeling
- The wedding dress I found online that I want to wear should Goat and I get hitched
- Dancing with the dogs in the kitchen to The Upsetters

Now, for self-professed grouch, a girl who feels both way too old for her age and incurably pessimistic, that's a lot of love to spill around a house in one evening. Maybe what I hear in my head isn't as bad or as thick as it seems. Maybe I shed a few layers of gripes on my vacation, left them to be neutralized by the salt water and sun. I do have to say, I've been feeling lighter since I got home. Hell, maybe it's the brownies talking.

Getting that comment from Goat was like a shot in the arm, so to speak. It felt like that first day after winter but right before spring when it's snowy, but you realize that for the the first time in months, the sun actually feels warm.

Love. I'm full of it.